Greenland: Dumber Than a Post
by Bella-Cherry
Summary: Greenland is the world's only hope to save them from a rising threat.
1. Chapter 1

Note: I do not own Hetalia or any of its characters.

**Chapter 1**

Her bust line was much larger than Ukraine's… much larger. It stuck out about three and a half feet in front of her. Indeed it is the same woman that is a superhero, but known for her destructive acts. Mentored and raised by her brother, Denmark, she was claimed to be unteachable do to her "slowness." She did not understand rocket science. Then again, she can't even do kindergarten math. This woman was known by two names. Her more common name is Greenland.

The frozen lake was hushed by a fierce wind darting ice in a whirlwind of bitter cold. Solitude was common for Greenland. Her homeland was empty and she didn't receive many visitors. Frozen in a mid-fall, the waterfall would not break anytime soon. This would work for Greenland's plan that she began to speak out loud, "Once Denmark leads Iceland to the top edge of the waterfall, Denmark will push him off where I will be here to save him," she paused to rub her endlessly sore back, "and once I save him, he will have no choice but to love me!" Her caribou hide gloved hand disappeared into her thick coat dress pocket. Shuffling sounds radiated from the pouch. Reappearing from the pocket, Greenland's hand exposed a walkie-talkie. She clicked the side button and spoke into the speaker, "Nordic 2 to Nordic 1. Do you copy Nordic 1?" A voice emanated back to her, "This is Nordic 1. I read you loud and clear. Over."

"Nordic 1, is the _**Puffin**_ in position? Over."

"Nordic 2, the puffin is in position. Over."

"Great… Push him."

Denmark leaned forward next to Iceland, "It's a long ways down. I'd hate to" Just then, Denmark applied both his hands to Iceland's back with great force. Iceland stumbled, lost his balance, and was kicked in the calf lightly by Denmark. As he swirled around in the air, Iceland parted his jaws and screamed out, "What the heck was that for?"


	2. Chapter 2

Hi everyone! I'm horrible about continuing fan fictions… sorry. But here is finally chapter two! Wow! I gave up quickly. I only have one fan fiction that I did not give up on. If you enjoy this, please read my other fan fictions!

**Chapter 2**

Greenland watched dumfounded as Iceland fell from the top of the waterfall. Down, down, down he went. A happy squeal escaped Greenland's wide smile. She extended her arms out wide as Iceland neared. _Boing! _Iceland bounced in Greenland's arms. After he finally settled in Greenland's powerful grasp, he sat with mouth agape. His eyes met Greenland's. Her beautiful purple and blue eyes glittered in the sunlight. Iceland leaned closer.

He pushed out of her arms and screamed, "Not you again you creepy stalker! Why are you always after me you deranged maniac!?" Greenland just wrapped her arms around him squeezing the breath from Iceland's lungs, "I saved your life. You have to marry me."

"What!? Not this again!"

"What's the matter dear?"

"Quit trying to kill me every five minutes. One day!"

"'One day' what honeybunch?"

"Just one day when you don't put my life on the line! Is that too much to ask?"

Greenland took on a confused expression. One could almost hear the sound of old, turning gears and see the smoke sputtering from her head. That was when Greenland had an epiphany- great sudden realization. She was now just realizing that Iceland, the man nearest and dearest to her heart, didn't love her. "B- but honeybunch…" Greenland felt tears welling up. Iceland began to pull down on his hair, "Enough with the 'honeybunch' and the 'dears' and the 'cutie pies.' Greenland, I will be honest 'cause I'm that kind of guy. I hate you more and more each time you even breathe!" Again, Greenland took a few minutes to make sense of these words. But as soon as she did, tears streamed like waterfalls from her different colored eyes. She turned and ran.

Iceland watched her take off. Was it finally over? Would the struggle of trying to survive end? "Yes!" Iceland cried out his relief to the world. Life could continue and be happy. A hand touched his shoulder scaring Iceland into the sky. Whirling around, Iceland was relieved to see Denmark, and not his insane sister, Greenland. His happiness vanished at Denmark's cold words, "Did you hurt my sister?"

"I- I… No… Well… yes but I- I have good…" Iceland tried to explain, but Denmark cut him off. His eyes darkened with cold hatred, "Nobody hurts Greenland. Watch your back…" Denmark began to vanish into an obscure cloud, "because I will hunt you forever."

"It's OK, Greenland. He just…" Greenland sat close to Ukraine in a fetal position. Ukraine knelt down to comfort her friend. Tears swept from Greenland's mix-matched eyes, and her voice cracked as she spoke, "Not only did you break up with me, but my back hurts like crazy!" Ukraine nodded in agreement. The two continued to stay close in a depressed silence.

_Knock! Knock!_ Greenland looked up at the door wondering who would come to see her in her desolate little cabin. "Ukraine," she sniffled, "can you go grab me that frying pan then answer the door?" To respond to Greenland's question, Ukraine entered the kitchen, took a frying pan off of a hook. After handing the cast iron pan to Greenland, Ukraine pulled the door in to reveal the person who had knocked. It was Iceland. "Have you come to hate her more?" Ukraine snapped coldly, "She is in enough pain all the time without your help."

"I came to apologize, t- to Greenland." Iceland stammered. Something was scaring him. Greenland rose to her feet, frying pan readied. She didn't seem so weak now. In fact, Greenland looked furious. She quickly swallowed her anger, "It's alright, Ukraine. If he doesn't love me now, he'll love me when he wakes up." _Bam!_ Greenland's frying pan met Iceland's chilled face and he fell to the wooden floor.


	3. Chapter 3

Hi everyone! Here comes the next chapter. And I know Greenland seemed a lot like Belarus in the last chapter.

"What was that for?" Ukraine screamed in terror. Greenland looked horrified herself. She knelt down and began to rub the large bump she left on Iceland's head, "Ooh, I'm so sorry… I didn't know what I was doing. Be- before I knew it, I was thinking about caramels r- right before I hit him…"

"Why on Earth were you thinking of caramel?"

"'Cause they're big fuzzy animals!"

"You're thinking of camels."

"Oh…"

Ukraine planted her face into the palm of her hand. Sometimes, Greenland was just ridiculously stupid. But they still had a problem at hand. Greenland had a man passed out on her floor. What would the authorities think? Exactly the same thing Ukraine was thinking: Greenland is insane.

The two friends hid Iceland's still body in a closet before going over to the world meeting. Greenland sat close to Denmark shaking furiously. "Big brother," Greenland whimpered, "will they notice Iceland's absence?"

"Where the heck is Iceland?" America shouted across the table. Greenland froze. Lucky for her, Denmark patted his hand on Greenland's head, "I put him in a 'timeout' for being rude to Greenland." He had used the word "timeout" because Greenland had a tendency to freak out whenever someone said the words "grounded," "eliminated," or "silenced." Everyone already knew this.

Last meeting that Greenland had attended, Evanii, a young assassin, had mentioned that she silenced Russia for a few days. After hearing that, Greenland huddled in a corner sobbing loudly.

Back in the present, Greenland smiled dumbly at most conversation around her. That was when one of her smart moments kicked in, "Why are we here? I mean everyone. The Axis Powers and Allies are here. Even Switzerland's here. Someone better start making sense." No one knew what just happened. It wasn't unheard of for Greenland to actually point out something factual, but it was very rare.

Germany took a stand, "I'm afraid it isn't good news. If you haven't noticed, Evanii hasn't attended the last couple of meetings."

"Exactly," America slipped in, "We intercepted a call from her to Russia. Here, let me play it for you." He pushed a button on a recorder and a message began to come through:

"_Snow Cone, this is Viper. Do you read me?"_

"_Da. I read."_

"_Good. Now, down to business. Have you received the shipment?"_

"_Da. The shipment came in, but are we sure we need all of this?"_

"_Don't be a fool Russ- Snow Cone! If we don't have the precise materials, the plan will fail and lead to my ultimate end! They are after me. Besides, if they catch me, you come down too."_

"_Wait, Viper! I'm receiving word that this message has been intercepted. Disconnect before they catch us!"_

The message ended. Greenland noticed the male Russian accent and the female Italian. This wasn't good. "Big brother," Greenland tugged Denmark's sleeve, "that was Russia and Evanii, wasn't it?" He nodded. America looked out across the sea of faces. His gaze met Greenland's, "You seem very keen at the moment."

"So?"

"Can you track down the locations of these two?"

"Evanii is most likely sneaking through our homes trying to discover our weaknesses. After she has all her needed information, she will probably go back to Russia's manor so they can begin to defeat us one by one."

Blank. Everyone had a blank expression. How had Greenland figured this out? She didn't even use any technology. _Blink. Blink._ Greenland returned each pair of eyes on her. Germany looked the most shocked, "How do you figure?"

"We all know Evanii. But that is her flaw. We know her so we can estimate where she will go first. She'll probably skip my house because everyone thinks I'm too stupid to be a threat." Greenland continued through her smart phase.

"Alright then, Greenland, where do you think she'll hit first?" America had walked over to Greenland to look face to face with her. (But with Greenland's height, it was more like face to bust, which I may add is an added bonus for America.) With a puzzled expression, Greenland thought hard. Usually, at these moments, she could figure out anything as quick as a snap. This was tough. Suddenly, it came to her, "Oh no! Germany…" He turned his head to look at her. Greenland whimpered softly, "I think it may be too late for you…"


	4. Chapter 4

Greetings once more loyal readers! This was actually meant to be humorous, but it grows suspenseful. I'll try to throw in some humor! I must explain that I have several OCs in here. Sardinia is a small island off the south eastern coast of Italy I believe. I made her Italy's daughter. Evanii is a completely made up character. It is an island somewhere between Spain and Italy. Siberia is well, Siberia. I thought he would be a good character. Wow… Anyway, lettuce begin chapter 4 because it's grape to read. (Food jokes)

Greenland returned Germany's gaze, "I think it may be too late for you…" The expressions around the table were fear stricken. Italy hugged his daughter, the young Sardinia, tighter. (It's a long story.) Greenland hardened her gaze, "We need a plan. I can figure out a plan real quick. J- Just hold on…" Her blue and purple eyes narrowed.

"I got it!" she called out. Everyone focused on her, their eyes unable to turn away. "We need to make some people scarce. They will be after Italy considering he saved us from the aliens, and Germany knowing that he's pretty powerful. I suggest that America, England, France, and Siberia will guard Italy and Sardinia at America's house. When you get there, or now perhaps, partner people up. Germany will be at my house under my, Denmark's, and Iceland's guard."

"But where is Iceland?" Germany scoffed, "For all we know, he could be with them." Greenland shook her head. As embarrassing as it was, she had to tell the world meeting, "He is passed out in my closet." It was no surprise when people started gasping and laughing at Greenland, but she knew that it was still a serious moment. "Pay attention," she commanded. No one listened. Germany casted an irritated glance around the room before it landed on Greenland. A message flashed between them. It was time Germany took control of the situation.

"What the heck is wrong with you?! Our lives are on the line and you are sitting their laughing at the only person who created a plan! Just shut up and let the woman speak!" silence followed Germany's words. With his intimidating tone, everyone stopped to continue to take Greenland seriously. Greenland gave a content nod, "Alright then. We need to plan for almost anything. I think we'll need people to get supplies to one another. Spain, Japan, Ukraine, and Cuba will take charge of trade routes. Switzerland, Lichtenstein, we need to figure you two out. It would keep you safe if you didn't take sides, but I want you both to have a guard. Belarus can help you there. Russia will want her dead more than anyone. We should get going. The rest of you will decide for yourself. Think like a mastermind."

"Denmark, you watch from the front window. Keep a close eye." Greenland gave her older brother a brief order. She put a cold, wet rag on Iceland's bump on his head. He was awake now but in no condition to help Greenland in any major way. She spoke to Germany, "We are going into the back room. There is an escape route there along with denser walls to keep you safer." Greenland led Germany into the spare room. As they sat down on a black couch, Germany let out a sigh. A hand touched his shoulder, "What's bugging you?"

"It just seems that you're so on top of things while I fall behind. I'm usually in charge…"

"But a woman has taken your position?"

"Ja. That is exactly right." Germany sighed louder. His pale blue eyes were glazed with concern. Greenland leaned towards him placing a hand on his shoulder, "You're worried about your friends, aren't you?" He pushed away, "Aren't you?"

"I'm worried about everyone. Something forces me to put myself in the face of danger if it means keeping the rest of you safe."

"That means a lot to us." Germany didn't attempt to move away as Greenland moved closer. She looked so innocent, so… Beautiful…

"I better not hear any kissing!" Denmark's voice reached to two. Greenland pushed her face into her hands, "Oh, Big brother…" A faint smile spread on Germany's face, "He's so protective of you."

"Sometimes too protective." Greenland scoffed in response. She leaned against Germany's shoulder in the growing night just discovering how tired she was.

Something was shoving her. What was it? Her eyes pried open to see Denmark's hands pressed against her arm, "We are intercepting a message. Come quick!" Hardly awake, Greenland followed her older brother into the living room. The radio was making static sounds.

"_Viper! Come in Viper! This is Snow Cone, do you read?"_

"_I read."_

"_There is no sign of Germany! What should I do?"_

"_You fool! Did you not suspect that they could intercept every one of our calls?! If I were with you now, I would slap you! Anyway, we need to get word to The Pasta that the army is ready to deploy to Greenland's home. That crazy moron is smarter than we take her for."_

"_Wait! What if they got our message now?"_

"_I'll handle it. Yes Germany, you heard correctly. Our army is ready. What about yours?"_

All eyes turned to Germany stumbling back in shock. His blue eyes were filled with alarm. "But… Who could have helped her?" Germany fell back into the couch and began rubbing his head. The weight of the world hung on his shoulders. But he wasn't alone. Greenland sat beside him. She grabbed his hand, "Don't worry, Germany," she looked about her companions, "We will get through this."

Ta Da! Chapter 4 is finished. I do really enjoy ending with dialogue. By the way, I am super sorry about making Germany out of character. The thing is my brain is currently rigged on romance. So when I was brainstorming, my mind said, "Ooh! Let's put Greenland and Germany together!" Good-bye readers!


End file.
